Varanasi

Between Agra and Varanasi we took an overnight train. It was 14 hours long and we had to make do with 3rd class Air Con sleeper, which sees 6 people sleep in a space no larger in area than your standard kitchen dining table. This was achieved through the use of triple bunks/cots, and I feel I have an insight in to the world of submariners now. I have sympathy for them.

We landed in Varanasi at 6am. A taxi driver latched on to us as soon as we stepped off the train and got 300 rupees out of us for a lift closer to the hotel. As many of the tourist hotels are down in the old city of Varanasi - a jumble of lanes and alleys - cabs can't get down to them. The driver unloaded our stuff but not before telling a tout where we were staying.

Tout: "Hey! I work at Hotel Alka!"
Us: "Really? How very bloody convenient"
Tout:"I take you!"

To his credit, he did, and we didn't give him a single rupee. I was quite shocked that he took us straight there, and I was expecting him to pop up at any minute during our time in Varanasi and ask for some cash.

View from the hotel balcony, over the Ganges and down the ghats.

Varanasi is one of the oldest inhabited cities in the world and pretty much the Holiest of Hindu cities, where people come to 'crossover'. It also transpired that it is one of the shitholiest cities. Cow shit was everywhere, on top of the usual levels of Indian litter, filth and scum. Oh, and dead people. At least these weren't lying in the street for you to tread on/in. No, these were being cremated on the banks of the Ganges, or floating down it. Varanasi is considered the 'best' place to die for Hindus. For the alive Hindus, bathing in the river from one of the many ghats is pretty much a rite of passage. I'm surprised that the alive do not become the dead more quickly following the bathing, given the amount of shit in the Ganges. If festering bodies and human excrement don't get you, the heavy metals and chemicals released from factories upstream will give you that acid peel for fresher skin at the very least. Or burn your eyeballs out of your head.

We dumped our bags and went for a wander, up the ghats (stepped riverbank) to see what all the fuss was about. It is quite a sight. The bend of the Ganges allows a sweeping view of all the ghats, and the buildings behind, which seem to tumble down from the ridge behind the river. They just stop before falling in to the septic Holy Water.

Tales from the riverbank. 

Walking along we observed bathers swimmers, holy men ('saddhus' either naked and painted white or in orange robes) with dreads and various 'followers' listening intently, and endless streams of touts, scamsters, beggars and cripples. The latest scam to befall me was the 'Handshake Massage', where a friendly chap comes up says hello and goes to shake your hand and then with a vice like grip he turns it in to a hand massage.

I was beginning form the impression that this was much like Blackpool Prom without the Pleasure Beach at the end; a long stretch of shit and shysters.

By about 1pm on our first day we had pretty much surveyed everything Varanasi had to offer. By 4pm we were train station bound to see if we could bring forward our departure to Calcutta by a day, or ideally a day and a half. No we couldn't. So we had 48 hours to fill in a  scam-riddled shithole or a shit-riddled scamhole, dependent on your point of view.

For that special something.

The old city could be very captivating and atmospheric. The narrow lanes and alleys are actually amazing, but the level of cowshit and touting makes navigating it a chore and tiresome. Varanasi did have all the elements I enjoy in a city, but it's just gone too far down the route to madness.

The next stop, and our point of departure from India, was Calcutta. Or Kolkata as it is now.

Cow in an alley in the old city.

Agra (for the Taj Mahal)

Auto-rickshaw sir?
Auto-rickshaw sir? Good price!
Auto-rickshaw sir?
Sir, auto-rickshaw?
Very cheap auto-rickshaw sir?
All sights sir, fort, Taj very cheap.
Hey my friend whats your name? What country? England! England nice country what you think of India? My name is Raji. I from Kashmir. You look my shop?
Cold water sir?
Auto-rickshaw sir?
Hey sir auto-rickshaw?
T-shirt sir?
Cold drink sir?
Auto-rickshaw sir?
Good price marble sir?
Carvings sir? Good price. Here's my card. Maybe later?
You come back after Taj sir. I remember your face then you come see shop sir?
Hey sir! Good food! Restaurant! Come see. Rooftop view Taj
Auto-rickshaw sir?
Want tour sir? All sights, Taj, fort. Cheap price!
Whip sir want whip? 20 rupees? No?! 10 rupees! Maybe later?
Chessboard sir? Look chessboard very good price 20 rupees. No?! 10 rupees!
Auto-rickshaw sir?
Auto-rickshaw sir? Good price!
Fridge magnet sir? You want lot of designs!
Elephant in elephant sir? Carving very good sir! Good price!
Rooftop restaurant sir, food good, Taj views

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir? Good price!

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Sir, auto-rickshaw?

Very cheap auto-rickshaw sir?

All sights sir, fort, Taj very cheap.

Hey my friend whats your name? What country? My name is Raji. I from Kashmir. You look my shop?

Cold water sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Hey sir auto-rickshaw?

T-shirt sir?

Cold drink sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Good price marble sir?

Carvings sir? Good price. Here's my card. Maybe later?

You come back after Taj sir. I remember your face then you come see shop sir?

Hey sir! Good food! Restaurant! Come see. Rooftop view Taj

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Want tour sir? All sights, Taj, fort. Cheap price!

Whip sir want whip? 20 rupees? No?! 10 rupees! Maybe later?

Chessboard sir? Look chessboard very good price 20 rupees. No?! 10 rupees!

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir? Good price!

Fridge magnet sir? You want lot of designs!

Elephant in elephant sir? Carving very good sir! Good price!

Rooftop restaurant sir, food good, Taj viewsAuto-rickshaw sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir? Good price!

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Sir, auto-rickshaw?

Very cheap auto-rickshaw sir?

All sights sir, fort, Taj very cheap.

Hey my friend whats your name? What country? My name is Raji. I from Kashmir. You look my shop?

Cold water sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Hey sir auto-rickshaw?

T-shirt sir?

Cold drink sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Good price marble sir?

Carvings sir? Good price. Here's my card. Maybe later?

You come back after Taj sir. I remember your face then you come see shop sir?

Hey sir! Good food! Restaurant! Come see. Rooftop view Taj

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Want tour sir? All sights, Taj, fort. Cheap price!

Whip sir want whip? 20 rupees? No?! 10 rupees! Maybe later?

Chessboard sir? Look chessboard very good price 20 rupees. No?! 10 rupees!

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir? Good price!

Fridge magnet sir? You want lot of designs!

Elephant in elephant sir? Carving very good sir! Good price!

Rooftop restaurant sir, food good, Taj viewsAuto-rickshaw sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir? Good price!

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Sir, auto-rickshaw?

Very cheap auto-rickshaw sir?

All sights sir, fort, Taj very cheap.

Hey my friend whats your name? What country? My name is Raji. I from Kashmir. You look my shop?

Cold water sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Hey sir auto-rickshaw?

T-shirt sir?

Cold drink sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Good price marble sir?

Carvings sir? Good price. Here's my card. Maybe later?

You come back after Taj sir. I remember your face then you come see shop sir?

Hey sir! Good food! Restaurant! Come see. Rooftop view Taj

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Want tour sir? All sights, Taj, fort. Cheap price!

Whip sir want whip? 20 rupees? No?! 10 rupees! Maybe later?

Chessboard sir? Look chessboard very good price 20 rupees. No?! 10 rupees!

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir? Good price!

Fridge magnet sir? You want lot of designs!

Elephant in elephant sir? Carving very good sir! Good price!

Rooftop restaurant sir, food good, Taj viewsAuto-rickshaw sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir? Good price!

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Sir, auto-rickshaw?

Very cheap auto-rickshaw sir?

All sights sir, fort, Taj very cheap.

Hey my friend whats your name? What country? My name is Raji. I from Kashmir. You look my shop?

Cold water sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Hey sir auto-rickshaw?

T-shirt sir?

Cold drink sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Good price marble sir?

Carvings sir? Good price. Here's my card. Maybe later?

You come back after Taj sir. I remember your face then you come see shop sir?

Hey sir! Good food! Restaurant! Come see. Rooftop view Taj

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Want tour sir? All sights, Taj, fort. Cheap price!

Whip sir want whip? 20 rupees? No?! 10 rupees! Maybe later?

Chessboard sir? Look chessboard very good price 20 rupees. No?! 10 rupees!

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir? Good price!

Fridge magnet sir? You want lot of designs!

Elephant in elephant sir? Carving very good sir! Good price!

Rooftop restaurant sir, food good, Taj viewsAuto-rickshaw sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir? Good price!

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Sir, auto-rickshaw?

Very cheap auto-rickshaw sir?

All sights sir, fort, Taj very cheap.

Hey my friend whats your name? What country? My name is Raji. I from Kashmir. You look my shop?

Cold water sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Hey sir auto-rickshaw?

T-shirt sir?

Cold drink sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Good price marble sir?

Carvings sir? Good price. Here's my card. Maybe later?

You come back after Taj sir. I remember your face then you come see shop sir?

Hey sir! Good food! Restaurant! Come see. Rooftop view Taj

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Want tour sir? All sights, Taj, fort. Cheap price!

Whip sir want whip? 20 rupees? No?! 10 rupees! Maybe later?

Chessboard sir? Look chessboard very good price 20 rupees. No?! 10 rupees!

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir? Good price!

Fridge magnet sir? You want lot of designs!

Elephant in elephant sir? Carving very good sir! Good price!

Rooftop restaurant sir, food good, Taj viewsAuto-rickshaw sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir? Good price!

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Sir, auto-rickshaw?

Very cheap auto-rickshaw sir?

All sights sir, fort, Taj very cheap.

Hey my friend whats your name? What country? My name is Raji. I from Kashmir. You look my shop?

Cold water sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Hey sir auto-rickshaw?

T-shirt sir?

Cold drink sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Good price marble sir?

Carvings sir? Good price. Here's my card. Maybe later?

You come back after Taj sir. I remember your face then you come see shop sir?

Hey sir! Good food! Restaurant! Come see. Rooftop view Taj

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Want tour sir? All sights, Taj, fort. Cheap price!

Whip sir want whip? 20 rupees? No?! 10 rupees! Maybe later?

Chessboard sir? Look chessboard very good price 20 rupees. No?! 10 rupees!

Auto-rickshaw sir?

Auto-rickshaw sir? Good price!

Fridge magnet sir? You want lot of designs!

Elephant in elephant sir? Carving very good sir! Good price!

Rooftop restaurant sir, food good, Taj views

...etc etc et-fucking-cetera

An indication of just how much a tourist trap the Taj Mahal is presented itself before we had even got off the train. A tuk-tuk driver had got on the train a stop before Agra Cantonment to tout for business, suggesting that it was cheaper to get a tuk-tuk from this station than the Agra stop. Having looked on a map once we were in the hotel, it did look a 50/50 choice distance-wise, so he may have a had a point. Agra saw any patience or tolerance for touts evaporate.

Yeah, the Taj Mahal was big, white and lacked a bar, see the pics. When you get inside its about the size of a double bed. And there are lots of dead bees.

Doesn't really need a caption, does it.

OK.

Prayers at the Mosque inside the Taj complex

Probably my favourite snap of the Taj.

Agra Fort. Subject to a lot of renovation, and is danger of becoming the world's largest Trigger's Broom.

Agra Fort detailing

Agra Fort Gate

Can't avoid it.

We also ventured further afield to Fatehpur Sikri, site of an an abandoned palace and an active mosque.  The mosque was entered through a huge gate atop a huge set of steps. Inside the place was busy. A kid approached us "hey you want guide sir?" "No..." "Free sir! No money, I work here I do for charity" "No money? You sure?" "Yes sir, no money, you can kill me if I ask for money!"

So the tour began. He sure did know his stuff to be fair. We followed him round for about three-quarts of an hour through various sections of the mosque, him telling us in reasonably good English about various parts and their role and significance.

Bits and bobs at the Fatehpur Sikri Mosque.

"Now sir I show you what my family do"

Uh-oh. Now this kid had been pretty good, so I humoured him as he showed us carvings of elephants in elephants, tealight holders, more elephants in elephants, frogs in frogs, more tealight holders, all the while telling him that I wasn't buying any of them.

"But good price sir and feel the quality!"

Sorry mate, I need to extricate myself from this before I go nuclear. Which I did. He followed us.

"Sir I show you all round mosque for free and you no buy anything. Give me money"
"You said it was free"
"Sir, I showed you for free!"
"You said it was free"

I relented and gave him 100 rupee, much to Graham's dismay.

Then another kid came along.

"Sir, postcard you want postcard?"
"No"
"Postcard very good price sir you want?"
"No"
"Only 20 rupee sir! Quality!"
"NO"
"Postcard sir!"
"I do not want postcards"
"Pen sir? You want pen?"
"No, I do not want some pens"
"You want pen sir! Only 20 rupee"
"No"
"Sir then only 10 rupee"
"FUCK OFF" (probably said a little louder than appropriate in a mosque)
"..."
"Fuck off kid, I do not want pen or postcards"
"Fuck you sir"
"No. Fuck you kid"

Now, the Fatehpur Sikri mosque is quite a sight, but it was thoroughly ruined by touts and kids. Frankly, the Imam should be embarrassed at the level of hassle tourists get in the place. It makes a mockery of the whole point of the Mosque in my opinion. This idea was reinforced later, in another mosque, where we were pretty much forced to pay baksheesh to some chaps at the door so that our shoes were still there when we got back. Seriously. What a fucking joke.  India was heading down in my estimations pretty much every minute I spent in Agra.

The abandoned palace at Fatehpur Sikri, tout free!

Columns at Fatehpur Sikri

Next up (or down) was Varanasi/Banares/Benares.

Food-wallahs in Agra. Not in the tourist bit.

Jaipur

Jaipur, famous in Sheffield for being a Thornbridge Brewery ale of some potency, is also famous in wider circles as "The Pink City". This is not due to an abnormally large gay population, but rather because all the buildings in and around the old city are painted pink. Well it's more of a terracotta, but I won't quibble. It's not painted pink for the same reasons as Jodhpur is painted blue; the pink doesn't denote any particular caste or business or anything else. Nope. It was painted pink in 1876 by the Maharaja ahead of a visit by Edward, Prince of Wales, as a means of hiding the shit state of the buildings. He probably got a bulk-buy discount. Jaipur forms one point of the 'The Golden Triangle' of Indian tourism - the other two points being Delhi and Agra (for the Taj Mahal).

Also, as a town planner in a past life, the city appealed as it was a planned city. It's layout adhering to the principles of 'Shilpa Shastra' - the science of Indian architecture. Laid out in a grid pattern, with wide boulevards and further division of grids within grids. My inner planning geek was bursting to get out.

A late start meant that time was even more precious (we really only one day in the city); we strode out - usefully - without any guide book or map. Graham had warned that the tuk-tuk drivers were pushy, and reading the Rough Guide I was warned that they ran various scams and commission rackets. However, my favoured mode of transport is definitely my feet, particularly in new cities. Walking allows me access everywhere, pretty much for free, and I feel it gives me a greater sense and understanding of a place.  We weren't taking a tuk-tuk. We were walking the 2.5km from the hotel to The Pink City. Halfway down the hotel's street a tuk-tuk driver circled us. We told him we liked walking and we were walking. No negotiation. "but it's hot and a long way"; "we know, it's OK, we'll walk"; "but it is HOT"; "we know, we're outside in it". At which he left us alone, for about 30 seconds whilst he turned around.

"I am cheap. I take you all sights"
"No, it's OK"
"Can you help me??"
"How?"
"Read this"

He passed me a book of testimonials from apparently past customers. All very effusive in their praise for 'Khan'.

"I take you all place you want"
"Really, we're walking"
"Half day 200 rupees"
"Deal"

Well it was hot. And it was a long way. And 200 rupees is about £2.40. We told him "no shops" which he agreed to.  He said he has his own shop, which does well and he only does tuk-tuk driving because he enjoys meeting people and showing them around his home city. He didn't take people to his shop. Anyway, we were off! First stop was Jaipur Palace and Jantar Mantar. Jantar Mantar is a walled garden full of astronomical measuring devices - sundials and the like.

The Palace was all very nice n' that. Rather plain compared to Jodhpur, bar some fantastic doors (the fetish rearing it's again, see below). The armoury was the definite highlight - knives, guns, gun-knives, knife-guns, swords, bows, walking stick-gun-knives, proper James Bond stuff. No pictures were allowed though.

Doors and details

Jantar Mantar was next up. It was quite surreal and had a touch of Port Meirion about it. Soaring sundials, one accurate to six seconds (clearly very important for the time-conscious Indian sub-continent) and various other devices for measuring and tracking celestial bodies. That took about 30 minutes to wander through. Returning to the tuk-tuk, Khan asked where else we wanted to go; having neglected to bring out a guidebook we were pretty much in his hands. "I take you baby Taj Mahal". So we drove off away from the Palace (and later, I was to learn, the other iconic Jaipur sights of the Hawa Mahal and Jal Mahal) for about 20 minutes until we were deposited at a collection of white buildings, which sat at the foot of some very big hills. Thirty minutes later we'd done that and we were back in the tuk-tuk.

A 4-storey sundial at Jantar Mantar, accurate to 6 seconds (all of the above)

Context for the sundial.

Other instruments (all of the above)

The Hawa Mahal, which we didn't visit.

The Jal Mahal, which we also didn't visit.

'Baby Taj', which we did visit.

More Baby Taj

Baby Taj detailing

"Where you want to go?". I enjoy walking round markets and suggested we go down to a market for a wander. "You want to go to where Indians shop?" That sounded ideal. We went off, driving past the exact markets I would have liked to have gone around. We were driving for a while, before we pulled up at a tiny shop that looked very shut, on a quiet street. Alarms bells rang; this was the commission place.

"Sorry mate, we're not going in there"
"But this where Indian shop!"
"No it isn't"
"Yes it is. You say you want go where Indians shops. This is where Indians shop"
"No it isn't. We're not going in. We told you no commission shops"
"But you say you want to go where Indian shops!"
"We have no interest in buying anything there. We are not going in"
"..."

A face that was normally full of a broad smile became thunderous. We were perhaps about to feel the wrath of Khan.

"OK. We go my shop. Just have drink. chat. You are like family now so we have chat!"
"Hmmm..."
"We go! Not far!"
"OK"

We took a few turns and then I recognised a cafe that was about 50 metres from the hotel we were staying in. Another turn and we pulled up. The driver, Khan, got out and beckoned that we follow him through a door. A door that went in to a basement. Great. Luckily, as I new where we were, I was confident that if we had to we could throw a few punches and get the fuck out if needs be.

We entered the basement to be greeted by shelves and shelves and shelves of pashmina, shawls, silk things, material - essentially things we had no interest in buying.

What followed was 40 minutes of hard sell. Not for us mind, it was a hard sell for them. We weren't budging; we simply did not want anything that they had for sale, at whatever price they tried to tell us.

"We know you not buy, but feel quality, price is good price is 400 rupees"
"we're not interested"
"but feel the quality maybe you feel and change mind this is 50% silk want to feel? Feel. No pressure to buy just chatting this 100% silk 500 rupees very good quality, you help us we are new business"
"No"

Finally, after toying with them for a bit I called an end to it, told them we had 1 day in Jaipur and we were fucked if we're staying in a basement throughout it. So long Khan. What we actually did was head straight back to the hotel, as Khan had kindly dropped us off nearly closer than he had picked us up, shut the door and fuck the whole place off.

It was my first run in with a pushy tout on this trip. It was far from the last. Agra was next.