INSECTS. THINGS WITH LEGS. BIG THINGS WITH MANY LEGS.
On Monday night it was a cockroach, that scuttled from between my legs whilst I was sat on the loo. I have never 'nipped off' so quick in all my life. It clearly sensed I was at my most vulnerable with my pants round my ankles and went for me. But I summoned all my human wile and cunning and trapped the beggar under a glass. As punishment I left it there all night until the daylight came and I could release it in a verge a considerable number of metres down the road from where I live. In hindsight, I should've mercilessly killed it because it clearly told the insect world that I was easy. A rollover. There for mocking and humiliation.
Last night, as I lay peacefully sleeping, I felt something on my leg COCKROACH! I thought and leapt like a salmon out of the bed and straight to the light switch. I thought I saw something in momentary darkness before the bulb came on. But then could not see anything. I laughed. Ha! It must've been the fan moving my leg hairs. What a twerp! I was climbing back on the bed when I saw it.
A spider the size of a basketball (a small basketball, about the size of a CD, which in fairness may have been emphasised by the night and my fear, so lets say a basketball the size of my fist). Whatever, it was the biggest spider I have ever seen (even bigger than them ones in Seil Island in Scotland many years ago) and I froze. It froze. I froze more. It wiggled its front legs a bit. I thought SHIT! NO GLASS! Not even a long pole to squish it with! It sat there, in the place where I wanted to be so much (it was 3.30am), I was insanely jealous of it and it had to be gone. I look around for the heaviest object I could find - "Practical English in Use" by Michael Swan (second edition) - and launched it at the beastly thing. To my eyes it seemed like the SPIDERSAURUS REX just palmed the book away with one of its mighty leg-hands. In truth, I probably missed it by a whisker. Shit. What next. I considered my laptop briefly but then saw sense - if it got hold of that it'd send an email out to all his pals and they'd all be here and I'd have to burn the room down. I was at a loss. WHAT COULD I THROW AT IT?! Then I glimpsed "500 Activities for Primary School Classes" (lobbing the book at spider is probably not one of them). HA ARACHNID! You are breathing your last breath! I had to move the other book out of the way to get a good shot. That meant getting within jumping distance of the lithe 8-legged facebiter. I edged close and tried to delicately move the book, but then the spidder king ran like the clappers up my wall and up on to the ceiling... I CAN'T THROW A BOOK AT A CEILING THAT JUST WON'T WORK!!! I had to wait. It needed to be on the ground. I had to wait. I waited. It sat up high, probably thinking that my eyes looked like great places to lay some eggs in. Then it scuttled. It scuttled faster that a Renault 5 around the ceiling closer to me. I retreated to the safety of...er...under the light. THIS IS NO GOOD DAVE. Show him who is boss here. I needed a ranged weapon with enough sting to take down the ARACHEE GUNSHIP. I had a pair of socks, the pants I had on and a pencil. No. Bloody. Good. Then I thought I could whip it with a towel. That should be enough to crush its kevlar-like exo-skeleton, or at least take 1 of it's 8 eyes out. I wound the towel up. Took aim. then the bastard scuttled again in to a safe corner where I could not unleash the power of my towel SCUD missile. Shiiiiit. This was the end game. It was winning. I needed a clear shot in the open, it crouched in a corner, seemingly knowing it was safe. I did what I had to do. I told facebook about it.
IN THOSE BRIEF 20 SECONDS my gaze was averted, it turned it's invisibility on and vanished. Oh fuck. This is the last thing I wanted to happen. I'm tired, it's 2 hours until my alarm goes off. What do I do?! I waited it out for 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 45 minutes. It did not appear. I decided I would try to sleep, but I could not sleep where I was before. It knew my habits. I had last seen it mere centimetres from where my head would be. So I slept in the furthest possible corner of the bed like on the attached diagram. I slept with one eye open and a readiness to leap.
And I am still alive now. Tonight will bring new terror.
BE SURE TO CHECK UNDER YOUR LAPTOP FOR THE SPIDER. It may have attached itself to this blog entry and be coming to terrorise you. I AM SORRY. SO VERY SORRY.