Haw Par Villa, Singapore. Featuring a tit and 'national treasure' (not the same thing).

Jill had visited Haw Par Villa quite early on in her time in Singapore and insisted I visited it whilst here. It was built by the Aw Boon family, who were behind Tiger Balm - the Asian cure-all for any and all illness. Their intention was to build something that would encourage and teach traditional Chinese values. I'm not really up on Chinese values insofar as the myths and legends they are based on. And since visiting Haw Par, I still have very little idea. They clearly built it whilst experiencing some Tiger Balm induced LSD-type trips, as it is absolutely, undeniably batshit crazy. Let me take you on a (not remotely educational) tour...

A lovely entrance in typical Chinese architectural stylings

The entrance to Haw Par is a colourful affair with concrete-formed rocks and 'waterfalls', cute animals poking their heads out from between rocks and a few signs to point you in various directions.  Once in, you are confronted with a bunch of oversized owls(?) with VERY STARY EYES.

Stary-eyed owl(?)

EYES.

Onward I progressed up the hill in to the start of the park/villa/thing. Passing through some more concrete re-imaginings of Chinese myths and legends, such as happy looking Buddha types, oriental folk in traditional garb and other scenes of Chinese life. Of sorts.

Happy buddha type. Surfing.

Traditional Chinese folk, doing traditional Chinese things in China. Traditionally.

After 5 minutes of looking through the information boards and various other 'basics of Chinese values' vignettes, I turned a corner and came across an antelope/stag being served by a tortoise with what appeared to be a cup of tea, whilst sat next to the antelope was a rat on a phone. In the same room (which looked a bit like an underground drinking den from eastern Europe), a worried looking hare (possibly rabbit) was being lead somewhere (possibly unpleasant) by another rat. All of them in clothes. Shit just got unreal folks.

See, told you.

Riiiight. And so it went on as I walked about in a state of thorough confusion and excitement about what would come next. Obviously it would be a tortoise riding an ostrich being chased by a toad in a blue hat riding an ostrich, and an angry looking gorilla. Well, a bunch of gorillas, but I only took a photo of one.

I was gaining a valuable insight in to traditional Chinese values at every step, or so the Aw Boons had dearly hoped when they built this acid-trip of a 'theme' park. What I was getting was progressively violent scenes of Chinese folklore. Yep, once the animals were out of the way, humans became the focus of many features. Humans inflicting terrible pain and suffering on other humans. And Stephen Fry trying to kick a baby.

Knife to the head, mo fo'.

Fight.

Fuck knows whats happening here, but it looks like someone's lobbing ketchup about.

Cop for this, slag.

This is a tale about friendship. Something about not trusting friends who run away when trouble is about.
Trouble being a wolf snapping your leg in half.

Stephen Fry tries to volley a baby.

It was about this point that I began to wonder who the target audience for Haw Par Villa actually was, or had ever been. Perhaps it was built to scare the living bejesus (or Confucius) out of naughty kids. The bloody thing was free in, following years of loss making. Which comes as no bloody surprise. It lost £15million quid in the few short years that the Singapore Authority they tried to charge an entry fee. "Hey family, let's go down Haw Par Villa and see people getting stabbed, chewed and mauled! We can have an ice cream as well!" "Yay!".

But the absolute top end bloodlust was saved for a part of the park/sado-masochists wet dream named THE TEN COURTS OF HELL. The 'feature' depicts, in gory detail, scenes of Hell in Chinese and Buddhist myth. I veritably skipped down the path towards it! But first let's just take a break with a car with a tiger's head on it and some tortoise overcrowding.

OK. Hell it was. Off I ventured. each of THE TEN COURTS OF HELL featured a list of crimes and the punishments meted out to those who committed them. Let us start a little way in, just beyond THE ADMINISTRATION BLOCK OF THE TEN COURTS OF HELL (not actually real, I just made that up to get round the fact I forgot to use a flash at first so pics are a bit crap, but then I remembered).

I won't put too many words in amongst the pics, as I think they're fairly self-explanatory...

Straight out of Haw Par Villa and in to UKIPs manifesto, I believe.

Clearly all these crimes are on a par and no differentiation in punishment should be made. 

Cheated, cursed or abducted someone? Then you will be thrown on to a hill of knives!

A cheater, curser or abductor, on a knife, on a hill.

Sorry mate, you misused a book or wasted food so we're going to have to saw you in half.  

Neglected the old (all of them?!) the utter bastard. Be crushed under boulders you heartless tit.

So yeah, if the kids weren't bawling their eyes out and wimpering before THE TEN COURTS OF HELL you can sure as fuck be sure that they'll be sleeping in your bed for the foreseeable future after coming out of THE TEN COURTS OF HELL. And if that wasn't quite enough, you come out in to the blinding light after 50 metres of dark and blood to be confronted with...

...two giant cockroaches fighting and being egged on by elephants and rats carrying small firearms...

...and an old woman suckling on the breasts of a younger lady, whilst a minor looks gleefully on...

What. The. Actual. Fuck. OK Haw Par, you beat me. Even I'm not weird enough for this shit.

So yeah, Chinese values. Still no fucking clearer but that opium trade really did give the Chinese a wonderful imagination.